When news broke earlier today about Audi’s 64 page guide to throwing
sexy hipster A3 parties, lots of people made fun of them. Me though? I just felt an overwhelming need to go. I couldn’t tell you what the actual parties are going to look or be like, but I just can’t shake it. I have to be there to witness whatever happens. Then again, when I sat down to think about it, I realized that I’m exactly the kind of guy who Audi needs to invite.
First of all, I’m a Millennial. I’m notoriously bad at being a Millennial, but still. Are they really going to let my lack of crushing student loan debt or inability to grow an ironic mustache keep me from qualifying for an invite? If anything, you’d think my lack of crushing student loan debt would be an asset.
A millennial who doesn’t have half of his income tied up for the next 40 years in paying off that out of state English degree that he so desperately needed? I don’t think that sounds like someone we want driving our cars. He’ll probably be able to get his own financing from a credit union. Egad! How will we profit?
Anyways, I’m not just a Millennial. I’m a Millennial who currently drives the best car ever made: the E39. Who made the E39? BMW, of course, Audi’s fiercest competitor. Convincing someone that the A3 is better than their Corolla might be easy, but it doesn’t prove much. Of course the A3 is more desirable than the Corolla. A BMW driver switching to an Audi, on the other hand? That’s a big win.
Oh, that used 5 series on the lot? Yeah, we just had a guy trade it in for an S3. We’re having a lot of BMW owners trade their cars in for Audis these days. You should really
drink the koolaid too take a look at the A3 sometime.
Despite not being a very good at going into debt or growing facial hair, I do have a number of “hip” qualifications in the bag as well. Want someone who listens to music that never has a chance of making it onto the radio? I’ll gladly talk to your other hip attendees about the Shovels & Rope concert I was just at and how I was surprised at how good the opening band Hurray For The Riff Raff was. They’re going places, people, just not to the radio.
I’m also a big fan of beer. Not only do I drink it regularly, I also occasionally brew it myself. Just a couple days ago, I helped my roommate bottle the porter that he had been brewing. Anyone can drink a 6% IPA from a brand that most people have never heard of, but do you know what brand is more obscure than those officially recommended brands? Home brewed beer, that’s what brand. It’s so obscure, it doesn’t even have a name or a label. How’s that for being super hip and trendy?
Finally, I use social media. Don’t want to brag here, but I’m up to almost 200 followers on my Twitter account, and I’m pretty sure that most of them aren’t bots. I’m like nearly half way there to being 1/10th as popular as Doug DeMuro. You know what cool, hip Millennials do when they’ve just gone to a cool, hip Audi party? They take pictures on their iPhones and post them to Twitter while using cool, hip hashtags. I could be that guy! I could do that too! I could tweet with the #AudiA3 hashtag on Twitter. How awesome would that be?
Heck, why stop at just social media? Assuming I had a good time, I could write a post about it on OppositeLock. If I harassed the editors enough (via Twitter, of course), they might even front-page it. I don’t know if Audi knows this, but being front-paged is kind of a big deal. I once got like 1000 views on a post of mine that got front-paged. That’s 1000 more people that might buy an A3!
So if you know anybody at Audi, please let them know that they need to invite me to one of their A3 parties. I promise I’ll even wear my hip, trendy tortoiseshell glasses and a plaid flannel shirt.
Collin Woodard is a sometimes-poster on Oppo who really likes going to parties. If you’re super cool and hip on social media, or a member of Audi’s press department, you can follow him on the Twitter at @CBWoodard.